The Adjustment Phase of the W-Curve

When we decided to move to Holland, part of the orientation was cultural training that we received before leaving the States. Valuable stuff for us, and we were so glad we had these sessions before we departed. It wasn't necessarily specific to Holland (those surprises we'd have to discover in a trial by fire :) But it helped set our expectations about the process and how to handle the unique stresses that would present themselves.

As you might guess, there are a series of stages that an expat experiences (not always in the same order, of course, and each stage is longer or shorter for everyone) and I find myself in one of the more difficult stages of adjustment. I think it is comparable to the stages of grief, in a way (and also that one has to experience every stage, some of them more than once, in the process).

I'm in (and I think fair to say, Alex is as well) the 'dip in the W'. The phases of this transition follow the pattern of the peaks and valleys in the letter "W" (aptly named the W-Curve). If you're curious you can find explanations in a quick Google search).

When we first arrived, we were in the "honeymoon" stage. We probably have had a much longer one (honeymoon), in part because we were so well-informed about what to expect and be prepared to deal with changes - which makes an enormous difference. Having found the AWC within two weeks of arriving also gave me a 'safe' place full of Americans all with different histories with expat living - some have lived in several countries, others, like me, doing it for the first time. I had no idea what a critical resource and incredible knowlege-base this would be for me in the subsequent months. And now our Members look to me for guidance - and I'm doing my level best! (And Blayney, I'll continue to beguile them with my New England charm :)

Most things were so new and exciting, curious, funny, strange and wonderful (ok, that's maybe too sappy!) My aunt Nancy says we live "The Life of Riley" - and I'd have to agree to a point. My honeymoon stage lasted for a long, long time! Certainly there are down sides, but I admit that I am very lucky to have this adventure.

But as things normalize and we establish a rather ordinary day-to-day routine, the things we could always rely on in our home countries for comfort (chocolate chip cookies) or as "no-brainers" (pumping gas) still require extra effort. A good example for me was Alex's British accent and local dialect.

For him, in business in the States he had to made a conscious effort to make himself understood (without having someone have to ask what he said, or misinterpret words and phrases he might use in the UK) - something most people don't have to think about in their speech. How exhausting! Knowing that gave me a better understanding of why a Brit who moved to America could struggle with (the Queen's) English ... to (American) English! - and how different could our American culture be from that of our British brothers and comrades? Well, as I learned...loads. And there were so many other little things to think about - where do I buy my groceries, what are the rules of the road? Where's the Marmite (what the heck is that awful stuff?!)?

I'm now in the quite normal stage where (akin to what happens in a developing love relationship) although I still appreciate so many of the differences in this new culture, there are some that are now a source of irritation. What was curious is ridiculous. What was funny is now annoying.

Quite naturally, there are some things that I really miss about the States, and some that have simply fallen off the list of things that are important to me. And I've embraced some new ideas that I might not have otherwise considered much. I see the world a bit differently. I do.

I miss my family and my friends. I miss customer service. I really get annoyed with Dutch drivers. I miss being given what I consider to be 'appropriate' personal space that is just natural in America. I get easily frustrated (even hostile) with 'the way things are' here. I feel guilty on too many days that the Dutch and their "Dutchness" simply make me nuts! ;)

I find it difficult to find some of my core values challenged by a culture that has some very different views. It is hard for me to understand why the Dutch don't value some of the things that to me are just obvious (like my definition of common courtesy and when it is clear that we should form a line at the cash register...) I can't help but sometimes compare what I have here with what I had at 'home' and it is sometimes tough to accept that some things I think should just be a certain way, and here they are not even close.

I'm doing all the right things. I'm very involved in the community, I continue to study a difficult language, I exercise often, I have some very good Dutch friends (as well as others from all over the world). I try to stay in touch with what is happening in America.

Right now I try to focus on the things about the culture that I do love and try not let the little things bug me. And when they do I still try to keep a smile on my face and, when I speak, my words are kind and polite (even if my Dutch is quite imperfect). I'm a guest here in a culture that belongs to the Netherlands, and it is how they've chosen for it to be. I am not a Dutch citizen with the rights that go with that - and I've no right to expect that. Sometimes my rights as an American conflict with the culture and laws here - can be anxiety producing. It feels odd and uncomfortable having lived in a country where I know what my rights are, what the rules are and why they are. It makes sense. Here I won't ever have that level of comfort and belonging.

The not so great stuff? There are some things about this culture that I'll never fully understand, or in fact, accept as right. I will be respectful, tolerant, lawful and polite. I don't ever forget that I'm an acting ambassador for my fellow Americans, either. If I don't behave well, it reflects on them.

Here, to me, it doesn't always 'make sense' :) I don't have to love every aspect of it, but I do have to respect it and I do have to make it work for me.

I'm struggling and know that this is all part of what we're experiencing. And that there will come a stronger autonomy phase (I'd thought I'd been there, but I'd lulled myself into thinking that I'd simply been lucky enough to avoid this more distressing stage). With time, I'll again find a way to more easily accept the similarities and differences and regain the sense of relaxation and confidence that I thought I'd reached.

So, a bit more than halfway through our assignment I have to say I think I'm right on track. I suppose once I reach that final stage it may be time to move to another new country. And even if and when I return to the States, by that time I'll have to reintegrate in the other direction. I already have moments when I'm back that it feels a bit odd, and less familiar to me than I would have thought.

Onward...!